January 15th 2010

When It Comes to Pulling Out, Stefanie Keeps Her Mouth Shut

The other day I was sitting in church with Captain Hilarious, minding my own business, when the pastor started reading from the Bible. To be honest, I wasn’t really paying attention. I don’t have the best track record when it comes to behaving in church. Most of the time, I just try to get through the sermon without audibly laughing – this is much harder than you might imagine.

So all I heard the pastor say was, “Genesis 38:8-10, from the NIV. . .yada yada yada…” and I tuned out.

Side bar: The E! True Hollywood story of Onan, which the pastor read, goes like this: Onan’s older brother Er, yes that is his real name, was married to this chick named Tamar. I’m not sure what the deal was with Er but he was evil, so God smote him dead. So then Onan had to marry Tamar, and the first child from their union had to be considered Er’s . I’m not really sure why, being that I’m not an Old Testament scholar, but there is an excellent Hallmark movie called Loving Leah that will explain the whole thing if you are interested. Which brings us back to me not paying attention in church.

He continued, “Verse 9: ‘Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother.’” And suddenly the pastor had my full attention.

I turned to Captain Hilarious to confirm what I had just heard.

Me: “He did not just say that.”

Captain Hilarious: “Yes. Yes he did.”

Me: “It’s taking every ounce of self-restraint I have not to stand up and clarify that pulling out is not an effective form of birth control!”***

Captain Hilarious: “I’m pretty sure that would be frowned upon.”

I glanced behind me to see Hipster Boy and Calendar Girl watching my every move, waiting to see if I was going to cause a scene. I turned back to Captain Hilarious.

Me: “But what if someone hears this and thinks, ‘Well Onan just pulled out and he was in the clear!’”

Captain Hilarious: “Pull it together.”

Me: “You would think that church would be the one place where I don’t have to think about pregnancy prevention.”

Later that day I met up with Sunshine Girl. She handed me a little pill box that said “The Morning-After Mint” and told me, “I saw these and thought of you.” Of course she did. Obviously Sunday is not my “pregnancy-prevention-free day.”

These are just the crazy things that happen to me.

***Editor's Note: The effectiveness of the withdrawal method (aka. pulling out) has been a topic of much conversation since the release of a 2009 report suggesting that when done perfectly, withdrawal is almost as effective as a condom. For more details, check out a summary or the report itself. Considering that most people don't use withdrawal perfectly, we'd still recommend combining it with at least one other contraceptive method if you're going to use it. For more on birth control methods, check out Birth Control 101.