If You Could Interview Your Mom, What Would You Want to Know?

LAURA: FOR ALL YOU WOMEN OUT THERE, I HAVE A QUESTION: HOW MANY OF YOU WISH YOU AND YOUR MOM COULD REALLY TALK ABOUT ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS?

WE WEREN’T AROUND, OF COURSE, WHEN OUR MOTHERS WERE FALLING IN LOVE, GETTING IT ON OR GETTING THEIR HEARTS BROKEN. BUT THEY KNOW A LOT ABOUT OUR LOVE LIVES, EVEN IF WE HAVEN’T TOLD THEM MUCH. THEY’VE WATCHED US, MAYBE EVEN OVERHEARD OUR PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS. THEY’VE ARGUED WITH US OVER OUR BEHAVIOR, AND OFFERED SOME COMFORT. SO…IT’S TIME FOR THEM TO SPILL SOME SECRETS, DON’T YOU THINK?

I’M LAURA SESSIONS STEPP, AND THIS IS SEX REALLY. IN HONOR OF MOTHER’S DAY, WE GAVE FOUR YOUNG WOMEN A CHANCE TO ASK THEIR MOTHERS ABOUT THE PAST. THEIR MOTHERS RESPONDED WITH ASTONISHING FRANKNESS.

WE BEGIN WITH ANDREA FROM MICHIGAN, AND HER MOTHER PAM, WHO’S A NURSE. BOTH ANDREA AND HER MOM LIVED THROUGH ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS AND, IN THIS CONVERSATION, WERE FINALLY ABLE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCES.

Andrea: So, my name is Andrea. And this is my mom.

Pam: Pam.

Andrea: The first thing that I thought of when I decided to do this was that we have never really had a good sex conversation talk. Like, I don’t remember any conversation where we actually sat down and discussed sex while I was growing up, do you remember?

Pam: I don’t remember any specific time; I’m sure I talked to you about boys and what you shouldn’t be doing, versus doing.

Andrea: This is true. This is true.

Andrea: So, had you had sexual relationships before you got married? I don’t need the details. [laughing] I’m just curious.

Pam: Umm. Actually, I had investigated a little, [laughing] but not really out and out sex.

Andrea: Your first marriage was an abusive relationship, and there was a divorce. When you were with Dad, how long were you together before you really started to feel like something had gone terribly wrong?

Pam: The truth? The truth is he was actually abusive before we got married. I was young. I had never seen abuse in my life; my father never raised his hand to my mother. And I also thought that I could change him, but I soon found out that was not the case.

Andrea: Now, I was in an abusive relationship through high school. And I was in some sexual relationships class at school, and they were talking about abusive relationships, and I just broke down at that point, and realized the seriousness of what I was in. And I remember that they called you at work, and you came to get me. And everything was laid out on the table of what had been going on, and I’m just wondering if that scared you?, Or if you just saw it as something that happened and then we were going to move on and it wasn’t going to be that way?

Pam: One of the major reasons that I divorced your father was to protect you and protect you for your future. When that happened to you, of course I was extremely fearful, because you were always very outspoken, and very vibrant, and very active and then all of a sudden you were in the same path that I was in. And it absolutely frightened me.

Andrea: Okay, um…

Pam: What made you stay with that boy?

Andrea: You know, that was the first relationship that I had that was sexual. And I think you knew I was having sex at that time because— I just think you were on to me. But I think that was a big part of it. I felt close to somebody in that way, in a relationship for the first time. And for whatever reason it hooked me for a while.

Pam: I think that’s an important point. I think when you take that big giant step over into a sexual relationship; I think things do change. And I think for girls, who are young, it becomes something that we cling to. I wish that we could maybe get our daughters to understand that before they make that big step—it’s not just the act, it’s the emotional connection that takes place. I didn’t realize so much.

Andrea: Alright, well, I love you Mom.

Pam: I love you too.

LAURA: NEXT WE HEAR FROM SARAH, AND HER MOTHER DEBORAH. SARAH IS A DANCE TEACHER, LIVING WITH HER BOYFRIEND IN SAN FRANCISCO. HER MOM IS A SCHOOL ADMINISTRATOR IN VIRGINIA. SARAH ASKS HER MOTHER ABOUT FINDING MR. RIGHT.

Deborah: Hello…?

Sarah: Hey, Mom.

Deborah: Hi, Baby.

Sarah: Okay, so, I’m Sarah, I’m twenty-six years old and I live with my boyfriend, Dustin.

Deborah: And I am Deborah, I’m 54 years old, and I live in southwestern Virginia.

Sarah: Okay Mom, I guess I’m interested in what made you ultimately end up choosing Dad?

Deborah: I knew the first time I met him. And there was a very rocky road between the first time I met him and our getting married. But I knew that ultimately we would be together.

Sarah: It’s interesting to hear you describe it that way, that seems sort of so…inevitable, I guess. I mean, I’m living with Dustin, we share an apartment, we share a bed. And I think that’s what a lot of people my age are doing. It’s not even a preamble to marriage like it used to be. But I still have this feeling that there’s a kind of don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy.

Deborah: I think for me, that is a respect for another generation. It’s just not a point of conversation.

Sarah: I have this suspicion that it’s actually kind of the way that Southern culture operates. And growing up with this innate sense that there are certain things you don’t talk about. Sex, obviously, isn’t one of them— but really even any sort of intimacy with anyone— is just something you don’t talk about. But for some reason, for me that’s translated into really finding it hard to tell if you approve of my life, or of the choices I’ve made. And as my mom, I feel like, your approval, even if I don’t need it, I want it.

Deborah: Well, I think that’s always the case.

Sarah: What do you think I should be looking for right now? I mean, I’m of marrying age….

Deborah: Health insurance!

Sarah: Mom….

Deborah: For me, in terms of relationships, I will respect and honor the person you choose. My approval along the way, or disapproval, I think is unfair to the person you decide to spend time with. Because it’s your decision not, it’s not mine.

Sarah: Thanks, Mom.

Laura: IF SARAH AND DEBORAH ARE LOOKING AT LONGTERM LOVE, JAIMITA AND HER MOTHER VALERIE ARE CONCERNED RELATIONSHIPS IN THE SHORT TERM. JAIMITA LIVES IN STATEN ISLAND AND WORKS AS A COUNSELOR FOR THE MENTALLY DISABLED. HER MOTHER VALERIE, IS A PROFESSOR OF NURSING. THEIR DISCUSSION ABOUT DATING QUICKLY TURNS INTO A SPIRITED DEBATE ABOUT CASUAL DATING, AND WHETHER GIRLS ACTUALLY NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Jaimita: The first thing I wanted to ask you was, what is your definition of dating?

Valerie: My definition of dating is seeing someone on a regular basis with view to marriage.

Jaimita: So…how many people have you dated?

Valerie: Not many.

Jaimita: How many?

Valerie: I guess I dated three people, including your father.

Jaimita: Three??! So you never really dated casually, right?

Valerie: No, never wanted to.

Jaimita: So what do you think happened to me? Growing up in your house, why do you think I see dating casually the way I do?

Valerie: I don’t know. You always had a problem with that.

Jaimita: So you think I need working on it?

Valerie: I don’t know. You have to really think about what you’re happy with. That’s something that, as an adult, you have to decide. I mean, where do you see yourself in two years, in five years, in ten years— you want to still be casual dating? You want to be finger poppin’ at the club, putting on mascara crooked, or somebody telling you: that color’s been out for years!

Jaimita: That will never happen with me!

Valerie: I think that casual dating, kind of denotes: casual dating, slash a little bit of immaturity. And I think that casual dating has a lot to do when people don’t where they are and what they want to do.

Jaimita: I disagree!

Valerie: You asked.

Jamita: I totally disagree, that is so not true!

Valerie: I’m not saying for all people, but I think for some.

Jaimita: But see, sometimes I think that’s where you went wrong, because you got stuck with Daddy.

Valerie: I don’t call that stuck. When your father and I got married, we truly loved each other and then we had kids together. I’m not sorry for that.

Jaimita: But I look at you and I say: Mommy has a house, good job. She’s good to go. So…all you have to do is throw in the casual, and you would have something to do on a Saturday.

Valerie: I have stuff to do; I have friends. I’m not interested in a booty call.

Jaimita: Whoa! Where did you get that word from, really?

Mom: …which reminds me of this casual, whatever you’re going through. Which I’m not feeling at all. But, go ahead.

Jaimita: What are you not feeling about what I’m doing right now?

Valerie: What’s the question?

Jaimita: No—you just did a drive-by comment! What about right now do you not like what I’m doing?

Valerie: I think it’s inappropriate. I think it’s unsafe. I think it’s disrespectful, and I think it’s not cool. You have a perfume casual, you have an eat-out casual, you have a cry on the shoulder casual. How many casuals are we talking about?

Jaimita: I have a couple. What difference would that make?

Valerie: I gotta tell you, causal dating—no matter which way you look at it—is empty.

Jaimita: Ma, I don’t want to be in a relationship, at all.

Valerie: Casual dating is a relationship!

Jaimita: It is not.

Valerie: There’s still a game that has to be played.

Jaimita: And I love that game! It’s the make-up, it’s the dressing up, it’s the buying me things.

Valerie: I’m too old for the game.

Jaimita: The first three months are the best, ever! You don’t know that they pick their teeth with the paper and....

Valerie: That’s what I’m talking about! [laughing] You think after three months, it’s going to be pretty!?

Jaimita: [laughing] Mom, put that back on! My mother is making her hair go crazy right now!

Valerie: Do you think casualness is going to be like this!? [laughing]

Jaimita: I wish this was video! My mother is making her hair crazy! [laughing]

Valerie: It is what it is.

Jaimita: What are the pieces of advice you have me for sex, love, casual encounters, relationships, whatever?

Valerie: A large part of why you casually date is a defense mechanism to keep yourself from being hurt…and you know that. And, more than anything else, you have to know yourself before you can possibly give yourself to someone else.

Jaimita: Alright, thanks Mom.

LAURA: KNOWING OURSELVES. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN IN THE CONTEXT OF A RELATIONSHIP? KNOWING WHAT WE WANT OUT OF IT? KNOWING HOW MUCH OF OURSELVES WE CAN AND CANNOT GIVE TO IT?

IF SELF-AWARENESS IS KEY, OUR FINAL MOTHER CREDITS HER DAUGHTER WITH HAVING A LOT OF IT. LEE IS A PHOTOGRAPHER IN DENVER. HER DAUGHTER JULIA IS A RADIO PRODUCER. Julia: Okay, this is Julia.

Lee: And I’m Lee.

Julia: So, tell me about how you feel like I’m different in my relationships, than the way that you were in your relationships.

Lee: Well, probably I think I just didn’t have the sort of independence that you’ve demonstrated. In terms of sexually, I don’t think that I had the same kind of support and guidance that you’ve had. Being in the Sixties, there was a lot of free love, and living for the moment, and a lot of that was identified by being sexually—I don’t know if it was promiscuous for me— but I got into a lot of sexual complications and….pregnancies that were the result of my not knowing how to pay better attention to who I was.

Julia: Alright, you have to ask me a question.

Lee: So you’re twenty-eight, and you’re at a point where you’re supporting a lot of your friends as they make decisions to get married. And so, what is it that you want in a relationship that would inspire you to think about getting married?

Julia: I look at my girlfriends and some of their relationships are fantastic, and I’m really proud of them, but it’s a lot about how they’re defining themselves now. And I think that for me it’s been really important to be able to define myself independently. I don’t know, I just don’t think I’ve been ready. And it just seems strange that right now I’m at a point where a lot of people think I should be ready. [laughing] And I’m not. And, I feel like also you and Dad do want me to have relationships. And I get that sense sometimes that there’s hope I’m going to have someone soon.

Lee: I think that you have wanted to find out who you are, and I think you have a lot of people, my sense is that they want to find out who they are—and this is how I set myself up— they think they’re going to find out who they are by making themselves available in the relationship. And the reality of a relationship, for me, is that you have to be in a relationship with yourself, first

Julia: Alrighty, well. That’s good.

LAURA: WHEN SEX REALLY PUT OUT A CALL ASKING YOUNG WOMEN TO INTERVIEW THEIR MOTHERS, WE WERE OVERWHELMED BY VOLUNTEERS. DOZENS OF WOMEN EMBRACED THIS TASK AS AN EXCUSE TO…JUST….TALK TO THEIR MOTHERS. THE MICROPHONE GAVE THEM PERMISSION TO ASK UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS. AND THE MOTHERS, AS WE’VE JUST HEARD, RESPONDED WITH INCREDIBLE OPENNESS.

CONVERSATIONS LIKE THESE HELP MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS BETTER UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER AND ULTIMATELY, THEMSELVES. AND, AS WE HEARD, GREATER SELF-AWARENESS OFTEN MAKES FOR RICHER RELATIONSHIPS.

I’M LAURA SESSIONS STEPP AND THIS IS SEX.REALLY. VISIT US AGAIN IN TWO WEEKS, WHEN WE TOUR THE MUSEUM OF SEX IN NYC, AND AN EXHIBIT ON THE HISTORY OF THE CONDOM.