How do we learn to love? Not fall in love—that’s easy. How do we learn to stay in love?
I’m Laura Sessions Stepp, this is “sex.really” today we’re talking about model moments—those memories of couples who showed us something about real love.
Connie: One memory lingers: Dad chasing mom around the dining room table. “No, Chuck! No!” she’d scream, racing around the table, giggling like crazy. When he finally caught her— and he always caught her— he’d tickle her neck until she shrieked with laughter. All four of us kids sat there, mesmerized by their playfulness. I stared at them and secretly declared: “I want that.”
That’s Connie Schultz, a nationally syndicated columnist, reading a piece she wrote about her parents. Today, she’s in the studio with us, to talk about “model moments.”
Laura: So Connie, tell me a little bit about your parents.
Connie: Well Chuck and Janey Schultz grew up in the same little town in Ashby Ashtabula County, Ohio. And they fell in love in middle school. I’ve often joked that they are the Bruce Springsteen song, “The River”—my dad got his union card his marriage license in the same month, because mom got pregnant right after they graduated from high school. So they were parents at nineteen of me. And they were married until my mother died ten years ago this year, at age 62. And my father died in 2006 at age 69.
Laura: Tell me something about what they looked like.
Connie: Well, mom was 4 foot 11, unless you count her beehive, which made her about 5 foot 4. And dad was 6 foot 2. And she had this infectious laugh. That’s the thing I remember about her most. It’s only in adulthood that I understood how difficult their lives often were. But she packed dad’s lunch pail every day, and she’d make four sandwiches for him, wrap them in wax paper. Often write on a little napkin, “I love you.” Or promise we were going to have meatloaf for dinner. And despite that he’d still come home!
Laura: And you mentioned that it was not necessarily an easy marriage.
Connie: No, it certainly had its ups and downs. But I will never forget my mother telling me two days before she died—she said “I want you to know something, I still get butterflies when he walks in the room and don’t you ever forget that.”
If we’re lucky, we get to see our parents give each other butterflies. But our parents aren’t the only relationship models available. Sometimes the simplest exchange between strangers can help us define—for better or worse—what we want out of a relationship.
Let’s hear from some young people now, recorded in new york city.
Marcella: I was in the supermarket with my friends, getting some stuff, and I saw this little old man pushing the shopping cart and his wife, this little old lady. And I was like, “Oh my god, that’s so sweet! I hope that’s me someday.”
Deserie: I see the younger couples actually seem more happy than the adults these days. On the train especially—they’re always fighting over something stupid… money or their kid or something. I’m like- I don’t ever, ever want that.
Josmar: Actually just the other day- I saw this couple walking past me, and I was like, ahh. They were just holding hands and they were talking, a little cuddly. And they had a kiss. And I was like—I just looked away. And I was like, damn. I kinda got that: “I want that right now.” You know what I mean?
Dina: Ok this is a true story— it’s when my cousin got pregnant. And basically the father was denying the baby. And just seeing how she was— she was devastated. Like, I never want that, ever.
Jamal: Like some of the stars I see, I guess, that have long-lasting relationships—like Will and Jada, or Jay-Z and Beyoncé. I know it sounds a little cliché, but yeah. I’m saying that because everybody I ever knew broke up.
We don’t have to repeat the behavior around us, or get discouraged when our relationships aren’t the models that others seem to be. What we can do, says Connie Schultz, is select from our memories the things that work for us.
Laura: Connie you’ve painted a pretty rosy picture here—a wonderful picture. We all wish we had parents like yours, I suppose. But there’re probably a lot of young women out there who’ll listen to that and say,
“But I didn’t have that.”
Connie: I certainly wouldn’t want to depict this as all rosy, because it wasn’t. I mean, we had a violent home much of the time. My father struggled mightily with alcohol. I think what I’ve learned over time is, I took what worked. And so I look at the moments that really mattered to me, that I can cherish, that fuel the best in me. But I have to really overlook a lot that didn’t work. So I would never want to portray this as idyllic. It wasn’t. But I loved my parents. I love them more now, as I understand more how hard they tried. And I think of what they gave me. But here’s what I do know is that ultimately, no matter what our backgrounds, you do have to figure it out for yourself.
It’s kinda scary to think that we have to figure it out for ourselves…but maybe, also comforting. Because it means we have the freedom to look outside our immediate circle and take our models where we find them.
We’re not stuck with what’s right in front of us.
We want to hear what you think. Send us your model moments, tell us what your ideal relationship would look like. Email us, find us on facebook, or join the discussion on our blog, sexreally. Com.
I’m Laura Sessions Stepp and this is Sex. Really. We’ll be back in two weeks with: “What, date?”….an episode about the demise of dating.
