LAURA: Welcome to Sex.Really. I’m Laura Sessions Stepp. When you hear the phrase, “New Year’s Resolution,” what comes to mind? Starting a diet? Working out at the gym? Quitting cigarettes?
We decided to ask young people across the country about their relationship resolutions for 2010. Were they looking for a relationship and if so, what kind of relationship? If they were already in a relationship, what, if anything, would they change?
We interviewed women and men from San Francisco to New York City, with stops in the Midwest along the way. Some of the resolutions are funny, and some of them less than noble. But for this episode, we turn it over to those of you who shared your hopes for 2010.
ANDREW: My name’s Andrew, I’m 25. My resolution is just to meet, I don’t know, I just want to meet more sophisticated girls, more girls with goals. The past few girls I’ve dated, you know, they’ve been really immature. So I’m just looking for someone with more maturity. She has things she wants to do with herself, and she’s putting those things into action. I’m not looking for someone that wants to just hang out all the time, just party all the time, has no ambitions or goals. So that’s the type of person that I would like to meet.
CASEY: My name is Casey DuPont and I’m 24 years old. Um, I think my resolution would be to stop worrying about everything. I tend to over-analyze everything. Especially in relationships because one little phrase or anything they do or say could mean something. And you never know. And I’m in this kind of long-distance situation. I don’t even know if I can call it a relationship yet. But we email all the time, which is great because it’s really nice to have this written record of our relationship. But it also drives me crazy because I can see everything I say and re-read all of my conversations and be like, “Ah, that was so stupid! Why did I say this?!” So I think maybe a good way to kind of help me out with that—and it kills me to say this—but maybe to archive all of that correspondence and not give myself a way to go back and worry about stupid things that I may have said. Actually that’s a really good idea. Maybe I’ll do that.
DAVID: My name is David Smith, I’m 28. I want to go dancing a lot with my friend Becky. That’s about it that I can think of.
LOVIS: My name is Lovis Williams, I’m 22 years old. I think yeah, in terms of romantic relationships, I definitely want to do things differently. I mean I’m not, I’ve been seeing somebody for a couple years now, maybe we should just, maybe move on or you know, we just obviously want different things and you know, we just go through a lot of ups and downs and I think maybe just move on. Meet somebody new, because it’s been almost 5 years. Maybe that’s what I’ll do for the New Year. I don’t know. I think I would have to like, maybe make an effort to pursue other people or go to places where I would meet people that I’m interested in. Maybe in terms of school, they always have mixers and things. I never go to them. So maybe I’ll start doing stuff like that. I probably would do that. It’s just really difficult to meet people, especially in the Bronx.
MICHELLE: My name is Michelle Ball, and I’m 31 years old. I had a whole lot of life-changing events occur to me—from being out on disability and being disabled, to being laid-off. So I lost a lot of my independence. And unfortunately when that happens, it really forces you to recognize the people around you for who they are, because practically everyone in my life showed me their true colors.
And I’m not in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship right now, so actually my relationship resolutions apply to my family and friends. I’m definitely going to try to spend more time with my immediate family. I’ve found that I have spent a ridiculous amount of time consumed in the lives of my friends. And I’ve also realized that I have a tendency to be a little too giving in time, money, emotions—I would do anything for my friends. Because in the past I had this idea that being a friend means that you give unconditionally for everything. And there is nothing wrong with that. However, I’m just going to be more aware of who those people are in my life who deserve that kind of attention. And then just realize how to deal with my friends according to their characters. So to remove those kind of negative feelings, while remaining true to myself. Because I don’t want to change the person that I am.
LIZ: I’m Liz, and I’m 20 years old. My New Year’s resolution for a relationship would be to not edit myself in front of the person that I’m dating, and be the same person I am around everybody else. I’m a completely different person in front of my friends, compared to how I am in front of somebody that I am worrying about what they think of me. I think about my actions and think about the things I’m gonna say too much, instead of just saying exactly what I think. Maybe if I was asked a question, I didn’t answer it completely honestly or I would answer what I think they would want to hear instead of answering exactly how I feel.
I would want to change that because to get to a level of being comfortable around somebody you have to be able to be yourself. And to achieve a decent relationship with someone, both people I would say, have to be able to do that.
BEN: My name is Ben, I just turned twenty, and I live in Marine City, Michigan. I don’t want to be in relationship this year—at all. I don’t know, I’m kind of starting to have fun being by myself, because I don’t even remember what that feels like, so I don’t think I want to get into a relationship for a while.
TIM: Tim O’Brian, and I am 23 years old. I have been in a relationship for four to five years. My New Year’s resolution would be to be more manipulative about the things that I want done. So in my relationship if I want the dishes done, instead of just bluntly asking, I would like to be sneakier about it so I can actually get my way better.
My strategy would have to include finding what she wants so I can use that to bargain with, such as if I want her to do all cleaning all day maybe I would have to buy her flowers or something earlier? And then she would clean all day, and I wouldn’t have to worry about it at all. That would be my strategy. I want like a higher success rate at what I want done. Because I feel like I’m right most of the time, so I feel like if I were better at getting what I want, things would be better overall.
BECKY: My name is Becky. I am twenty-four years old. I am currently in a relationship, at the moment. I would like to see if we could stop pushing each others buttons, because every day we seem to find the one thing that bothers the other person the most and do it on purpose, just to see what happens. Sometimes I will purposely ignore him if he’s calling me. I will also make sure he doesn’t have time to play his video games. He gets very frustrated if he can’t have at least a half hour of video game playing. And he’ll purposely tease me about certain things, like my body weight or just how I laugh funny, or he’ll tease me about certain friends I hang out with. I don’t know.
JILL: Hi, my name is Jill, and my relationship resolution is to stick with it. I definitely notice that I have a tendency to run when things get complicated or difficult, or awkward. Awkward to me. And so my resolution is to stick through the awkwardness and not respond to my gut reaction to bolt. That’s my relationship resolution—you know, am I giving myself a fair shot at this relationship, or am I being a doormat? I’m constantly asking myself those questions.
LAURA: As we move into the New Year, we here at Sex. Really. are resolved to also keep questioning ourselves and our concepts about relationships. It’s a challenging process—staying open to new ways of thinking, while holding on to principles that keep people feeling strong, loved, loving and safe.
But it’s a challenge we enjoy as you, our listener and readers, continue to be our purpose and our compass.
West Coast indie singer Suzanne Brewer has a song on her latest album called “New Year’s Resolution” in which she sings, “I want to live unguarded, sincere for a year.”
Suzanne Brewer: I want to live unguarded, sincere for another year…
I’d say that’s a pretty good start, when it comes to relationships. To be who we are, unguarded. To let our partners be who they are, unguarded. And, in the best of relationships, to find love in that.
I’m Laura Sessions Stepp, and this is Sex. Really. In the next episode we’ll be talking about the word slut. How is it used these days? Does it wound as deeply as it once did? Join us in two weeks for the discussion.
What Do You Think?